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Last year at this time my mom was in the hospital.  She'd been having an internal radiation  treatment and there were some complications and she ended up in ICU.  It was a big scare.  She nearly died then. But she was so happy to be alive afterward that she did better for a while.
For much of my adult life I have believed that the best way to die is to just drop dead...or to die in one's sleep.  I figured that not knowing was the best way to have it. 
Even while I was there and were were all watching my mother die, I said that it would be better not to know.  I have changed my mind.
In that last week of her life, she finally had control.  She got to decide what she wanted, when she wanted.  She had the chance to say good bye to everyone that mattered to her, and even some people she didn't particularly like.  Everyone had time to tell her how much she meant to them, time to tell her they forgave her, time to ask for forgiveness.  It was painful, but it was good.
It's three months now.  And it's getting easier, but I still miss her so much.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
halfmoon_mollie
Jul. 4th, 2009 12:53 am (UTC)
Pati, you had your mother ALL YOUR LIFE and she's been gone for three months. A mere shadow on the time she was 'there', even if you weren't in the same place.

I'm sorry you're sad, and I wish I could give you a hug. Your mother sounds like a brave woman, and I think perhaps you are very much like her.

going_not_gone
Jul. 4th, 2009 04:31 am (UTC)
I'm glad you are able to find some good things in the manner of your mom's departure. I am sorry you still hurt, but it will take a while to stop missing her, and that's okay

I send comfort and many hugs. Love you, big sister, always.
thespian15
Jul. 4th, 2009 05:31 am (UTC)
I have always thought like you about wanting to go in my sleep or something like that, but you make a really good point about being in control about things.
Love and Hugs, Jon
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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