Last year at this time my mom was in the hospital. She'd been having an internal radiation treatment and there were some complications and she ended up in ICU. It was a big scare. She nearly died then. But she was so happy to be alive afterward that she did better for a while.
For much of my adult life I have believed that the best way to die is to just drop dead...or to die in one's sleep. I figured that not knowing was the best way to have it.
Even while I was there and were were all watching my mother die, I said that it would be better not to know. I have changed my mind.
In that last week of her life, she finally had control. She got to decide what she wanted, when she wanted. She had the chance to say good bye to everyone that mattered to her, and even some people she didn't particularly like. Everyone had time to tell her how much she meant to them, time to tell her they forgave her, time to ask for forgiveness. It was painful, but it was good.
It's three months now. And it's getting easier, but I still miss her so much.